hyster ia

these few days/ wks are torturing.

i know its not only me who is facing problems in life.

when everything crumbles, what leaves behind?

the pressure is a bit too much for me to handle. right now, i just want to escape from this. im drowning in anxiety and confusion .

nobody wants to regret.

what if we do something which we will regret years later.

but who knows what will happen l-a-t-e-r?


my mum was hospitalised a few days ago and this incident made me realise how great my brother is. i cant imagine the days without him at home. the anxiety inside me is adding pressure to me indirectly.

almost every night these days i hear my dad and mum toking about resigning, money issues, medical issues. i pretended cool about all these but i jus couldnt block out the things that were registering in my mind. you know there was once when i attempted to block all these out by putting my hands over my ears.

sleepless nights were common these few days.

i was fortunate that i have met my godparents. whenever i am at my godparents' house i feel secured. i hope i can sleep forever. my godma was telling me about how $50 was so little now, and i felt so guilty about staying at her house eating lunch and dinner.

i felt the urgency of finding a job stronger than before.

but on the other hand, i cant rush things.

what i can do is to keep sending and sending resumes everyday.

because i still have to give allowance to my parents.

thats my responsibility no matter whether i have found a job or not, i realised.

the invisible pressure suffocates me sometimes.

i hate myself from feeling negative and easily affected. and im so sorry if i made you feel unhappy. i wish you will understand too.

maybe. you don love me as much as before. maybe. you prefer freedom. you know im so afraid to say this because im afraid it will be true if i say it out loud. i don wish to lose you. but i don wish you to lose what you love too.

maybe things will get better once im settled down. when i gt a direction and a stable job.

i wish both of us can be happier.

i was looking through the old pictures of myself, i don know since when i was so conscious about my smile. my smile became default.

i dunno whats the reason for the change and im seriously quite afraid.

i hope to return to the old self. but somehow i dunno how to .

de thr e e dogs i have met this month :

hello thats Dolly!!!
How the name came about: cos kelvin's parents wanted more money to come in; 'duo li' hahaa. shes really shy and cute!! she looks like a white deer from far and u know what, she can touch her head using her leg!! thats like circus performance!!! hahaha. and she resembles Kelvin!!!!

kelvin's birthday party yesterday wooo! its quite fun!:) shall upload the pictures the next time! :)


da ta!! he is Ah boy! hahah. and hes the youngest cos hes 4 yrs old! :) very handsome boy there! he is lirong's dog!! :) he stood up and waved his tail when he saw me! :))))

hahha im like some aunty taking photo of him after market-ing.

in l i fe,
theres something we have to let go.


friendship
i admit im not that kind of person who knows how to manage a friendship well. but i do try my best but maybe it doesnt seem i am making any effort.

sometimes we jus need to let something go, and move on from it. i realised, some friends can only be accquaintances; not more that that. some just look for you when they are bored, so they are not that kind of friend whom you can confide in. I never categorize my friends because i always thought if you are truthful to what you say, thats how a friendship bloom.

recently, i have seen a lot.

realisation hit me, i should know which kind of friend you can joke around with. Some are jus making use of you, some just want companionship, some are just plain KPO trying to gain attention with the information they get from you, some are just dumb gossipers!


haha. they will never stand in your shoes to think.


i have seen how competitive people are in order to gain advantage.
because they want both sides' attention, they speak different stories.

haha. very pathetic. well its human nature to be greedy isnt it? but seriously i have no intention to mix with people like that.


Like edna told me, you need to be bitchy in order to stay in marketing field. they can smile infront of you and probably backstab you at the back.

lol. I have enough of that. haha.

nevertheless, i have met a few gd friends in my company. and im glad to know them. :)
once they told me,

"always remember, we wont throw you there. we will be here."

when i was so panick as i saw the company shuttle bus zoomed past me that day. in the end the 3 of us took a cab back to office.

and the one i called gd friend, she didnt even bother to call and inform us that the bus is leaving. then she came and asked where did i go after i reached office.

i thought ths is a small issue. however, i never realised that from the start till now, maybe we can only be accquaintance. not more than that.

HI, BYE friend thats what its called.

GOOD BYE.
to those HI, BYE friends.

jus met up with qiudan yst! woo!

i realised we have both became matured over the yrs! we have known each other for 7 yrs and counting! gosh! hahaha. its amazing!

this is a turning point for us; i know its gonna be a tough one but its definitely worth it! jiayou1

i hope we can still laugh freely as before! hahaha.

lets try other places for dinner someday!

woo! haah

went waraku with my colleagues wanting and desmond for dinner! De pictures we took were quite funny! hahaha. shall post it up once i become more hardworking. i haven finished posting the august pictures yet!

ahah and valerie cooked packet maggie mee for me!! lols abalone maggie dun play play.! haha and peiying was saying why i know her for 2.5 yrs i don have! hhaaa. im quite touched! lol.

she will be leaving next week. I wish you all the best. :) (if you happen to see my blog haha)

yes then the girls came ask me whether i have eaten my lunch as i could only eat at 2 plus. haha. they are so nice!!! haaha. frankly speaking, i would like to stay in the company if the job scope is better.

i wonder will i get this kind of colleagues in my next job.

inside my heart, i hope that i can enter finance department.

But i don dare to carry too much hope on it. haha. like de saying says;

sigh. haha. im planning to take up a temp job 1st...lol. Its hard to find an acc job will no relevant exp and qualification.

its hard to make this turn. like a driver, im afraid i might lose control of the steering wheel.

Im afraid.

A U G U ST
de moony/.

Lyna's birthday gathering! :)))


hahah i drew shitong!! HAHA looks like comic! lol.

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY hope you like the small surprise!

J u n e y Sentosa!
I miss my long hair
hahaha.





on de way,

i wonder how can ppl survive 10 yrs in the same company?

hahaha. oh man seriously i need to meet these ppl and learn the techniques from them. How did they do that! GOSH. hahaha. its unbelievable!

imagine they have to keep tolerating and tolerating, because they still meet the same ppl the same old problem, again. I guess they are numb to everything and thats the reason why they are able to do so. Or!! they have their family to think of. haha.

sometimes i wonder issit my fault that i cant stay long in a company. i feel really bad about myself. or rather i feel bad about myself these days.

do i give enough freedom to my boyfriend? am i a gd gf?

am i a gd daughter? or sibling?

below is the 7 secrets of success found in our room:
1. ceiling says: Aim high
2. fan says: Be cool
3. clock says: Every min is precious
4. mirror says: Reflect before you act
5. calender says: Be updated
7. door: Push hard to acheive your goals


hahah i like de fan man! BE COOL!

T O L E R A N C E

to be able to withstand the shit work

office politics make it harder for me

love and care from some of my colleagues make it so hard for me to say goodbye hahahaha/sounds funny well im jus trying to fit in the letter 'L'

empathy for the boss

relationship with de ppl in the office

a meaningful job makes me stay

nice place

casual, relax

e money issue requires me not to leave


alright my brain is dying soon i feel// no longer as active as before makes me depressed// physically and mentally// help l e s s // can you feel the way i feel inside me// i longed for a good laugh//

1. I've come to realize that my hair:
• is natural curl and im starting to be proud of it

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
• i feel happier haha

3. I've come to realize that all I really need:
• a holiday

4. I've come to realize that I've lost:
• my asthma laughter GOSH!

5. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
• people block my way and walking slowly

6. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
• i will get rashes haha

7. I've come to realize that money:
• is really important and yet is the root of all problems

8. I've come to realize that when I get old:
• i might get bald? LOL.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
• young at heart HAHA.

10. I've come to realize that I have a crush on:
• LOL.

11. I've come to realize that the last time I cried was:
• not many days ago

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone:
• is special hahaha cos few ppl have it

13. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
• i will always think tml is a weekend haha.

14. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
• i have to put on moisturer

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
• whether my boss gt anything for me to do

17. I've come to realize that my life:
• is fcuked up

18. I've come to realize that my favourite drink is:
• milo haha.

19. I've come to realize that today I will:
• screwed again

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
• be very tired

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
• be happier because weekend is coming

22. I've come to realize that I really want to:
• escape from all these, do something i like

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is:
• nobody is so boliao to do this. hahaha

24. I've come to realize relationships are:
• r.s is a responsibility

25. I've come to realize that love:
• is strong, it can either make or break a person

26. I've come to realize my best guy friend(s):
• is tzehui hahaha.

27. I've come to realize my best girl friend(s):
• is busy hahah

28. I've come to realize food is:
• heaven, helps me to de stress

29: I've come to realize that this summer:
• is horrible and im changing my mind; i'll not like summer as i do in de past

30. I've come to realize heartbreak is:
• driving ppl nuts

31. I've come to realize that the last person i liked:
• LOl my bf?

32.I've come to realize that my sister(s):
• hahaha.

33. I've come to realize that crying:
• is uncontrollable

34. I've come to realize that death:
• might be a solace

35. I've come to realize that if I'm sick:
• i can take mc woohoo. haha.

36. I've come to realize when I'm bored:
• i got no idea how i shld spend my time

hahah. its a lame post!

take control

10 reasons why im happy:

1. i got a nice boyfriend! haha
2. jus bought a new pair of nike running shoes!
3. im having good hair days!
4. i got to save money as i can go my bf's house for dinner at times!
5. my boss is friendly
6. i can wear casually to work haha which helps in morning rush!
7. most of my colleagues speak mandarin hahaha yay!
8. i made a few nice colleagues!
9. im not late for work for quite many days hahaha
10. i got some savings! woo! haha!


i have to crack my brain to think of these reasons but sadly for unhappy reasons i guess i can jus type out unconsciously.

like, hey my neighbours at work speak super good english and i got a phobia to use the telephone next to me. haha. and oh man i cant click with them! One is angmoh!

lol anyway i have calculated another 4 more mths everything will be good =))))

i know its childish

but i still wanna say it. why cant he jus leave me alone MONEY MONEY MONEY/ every sunday he is asking money from me . Can i ask you a question? Did your parents ask money from you for breakfast?

BREAKFAST!!!!

$10 for breakfast/ he claimed

and frankly speaking i din touch anything at home except apples and plain water. de rest are MINE. he keeps complaining saying he has to buy a lot of stuff. as if i din give him allowance. in total i gave my parents $300.

not enough?

HOW MUCH YOU WANT.

plus every $10 every wkend.

i told them i wanna study. Instead of lending me money (this has never crossed my mind), i have to pay this and that. LIKE JUS NOW, he asked me to pay $10 for the dinner later.

mum's hospitalisation fees, air con repair fees, whatever fees you can think of.

i have been thinking of wearing braces since secondary school, and i never got to wear them because im always saving up money for so many stuff like THOSE.

i saw my brother buying a pure white jap car, my sis doing expensive facials buying exp products. I feel really foolish. I shld have jus gone for what i want.

FED UP.

i think im jus too good to be bullied. WAKE UP.

D r i nk s



met up with juliana yst and its been some time since i went back to 15 minutes; i like the food and ambience there, with yummy food like linguini and udon salad!!

man 1st time heard of udon salad? de sauce taste like miso soup! de only salad that i like in my entire life! because de veggy is not bitter and the sauce is great! its in the glass bottle and we have to shake it!


treat from juliana =) thank you!! i feel so bad. haha you are still studying!! shldnt waste this money ok! lol.

hello! im in de office, trying to find things to do.

haha. i realised that using my brain is not killing my brain cells, but stoning infront of the computer does.

i dunno how do ppl live with this kind of life. wth! haha.

its bad for health

AUGUST
caught off guard

HELLO! its August already! Time is really zooming past very quickly! so fast so furious! hahaa haven finish uploading pictures for June and July!!!


hahaha when i was browsing through the pictures, i realised i went to a lot of places, eaten alot of nice and yummy food, had so much fun!


i hate to collage sometimes because i wanna comment on every picture!! but its really slow if i upload every single picture. haha. lifes contradicting sometimes, you know that!


m having computer phobia, imagine staying infront of the com the whole day at work!!! gosh! its killing me and my eyes. haha. so basically i don touch the computer, book or anything that needs eye power. haha. i even stopped playing my shoduko on train.




and i often look outside at the greenery. haha. so funny la, always got caught by the people asking, 'i dunno theres a toilet here!' , 'wa you are here!'


lol theres no toilet la hahaaa used to have. like im doing some stuff discreetly. lols! hey im jus taking a breath alright! thats my secret little place.

The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse. Jules Renard

i hope i can be a free man. life is made complicated because of human's emotions. but without emotions life become meaningless and dull. i guess thats what life is about.

maybe im not borned to be a social butterfly maybe im jus a frog in de well. i realised there r so many things that i dont know; its hard to join in others conversation sometimes.

will i be changed to someone i dont know as time passes by. i wonder.

sometimes i can feel myself becoming a less chatty person. i don know when is the last time i have a big laugh over something. i still want to be the old self. it scares me to even think of de changes i have made over de years.

my skin problem is making me having sleepless nights. and i always have to do stretching before i can rest on my back. i need to save up too.

i got many things that i wanna do; like doing braces. i have been thinking of tt since secondary school days. its like a dream for me. haha. i wonder when can i fufill this dream. i bet my dad will be screaming if he hears that.

i envy those who have no financial worries. i always tell myself that its a challenge for me to make me become a stronger person.

well. its time to plan for more things. i will be stronger as ever.

even if we made de wrong choice in de past, its impossible for us to turn back de time. but we have a choice to make another decision to make it right again. i'll never give up hope i'll keep trying! a mistake is not a mistake unless it cant be put right.

on a lighter note,

my blog is gg to have more photos of other characters besides my boyfriend and me. HAHA. :)

fifteen minutes' is a nice pub restaurant with yummy food and the fries are specially seasoned! i feel that its even better than the fries we had at demsey's rest!

more updates later! yay im gg for badminton session with lirong!! excited* gotta burn my yst dinner later!

HELLO!

was really thrilled to see you this morning! haha i know you were tired!! and it was raining so heavily!! gosh im really really happy! and HAPPY 5th month honey!! we broke de spell! hahaha.

de rest shall only be revealed in the email! go check your mail!! hahaha.


woots its been 3 days and i have survived from this desk job. seriously i hate to come online now because i have to stare into the computer for the whole day! and i hate it because my eyesight will get worse!! hahaha. so why am i online?


because my dad is really driving me nuts seriously. he asked me to type a resignation letter for him. its like a nightmare for me, do you think i will have the heart to type it.

though i jus need to key in 'resignation letter template' at yahoo search.

my GM was testing my power of language these few days. Frankly speaking, im really terrified. haha. he asked me to write a letter to The Attorney.

i was tasked to do a write up for the managers in de co. it was quite interesting to know how the managers made it to the top.


realisation struck only today that A paper is very important. Because de salary difference is really big.

so yea de more i see that the more i feel like taking up a degree asap. However, some made it to the managerial post with a diploma too.

In the beginning, im like HUH? i don even know them how can i do a write up about them??

There are files given to me and as i flip through there was another question mark in my head. How am i supposed to write with only the MCs attached? hahaha.

luckily there is evaluation feedback form in there!!! haha. actually im quite smart. HAHA.

the GM was like, oh ok continue to write for the rest of the people.

phew, so scary la!

den i was wondering, hey i din apply for type writer post!

but that was a fresh experience for me! im learning more things.

hes on leave tml and fri!! yea! time to create havoc ! HAHA. jkjk. i think i will be very hardworking. i have to be more slack!! hahaha im jus too serious about work. Zzz. i hate myself sometimes. lol.

come msn!! i will b there i think! haha.

today i was searching up and down for ppl to tok to! HAHA. wow 1st time in my working life im actually finding ppl to tok to. even my GM is on msn!!

and almost everyone is de co is on msn!!! i dunno y some ppl can stare into the com de whole day! i cant!! haha.

The best thing is sometimes i can have 1and half hr break! HAHA. :) yeahooo! and some of the colleagues are really funny!! i will try to open up!! i dunno why i feel so shy when i 1st step into a new environment. hahaa. later they will know!!