hyster ia

these few days/ wks are torturing.

i know its not only me who is facing problems in life.

when everything crumbles, what leaves behind?

the pressure is a bit too much for me to handle. right now, i just want to escape from this. im drowning in anxiety and confusion .

nobody wants to regret.

what if we do something which we will regret years later.

but who knows what will happen l-a-t-e-r?


my mum was hospitalised a few days ago and this incident made me realise how great my brother is. i cant imagine the days without him at home. the anxiety inside me is adding pressure to me indirectly.

almost every night these days i hear my dad and mum toking about resigning, money issues, medical issues. i pretended cool about all these but i jus couldnt block out the things that were registering in my mind. you know there was once when i attempted to block all these out by putting my hands over my ears.

sleepless nights were common these few days.

i was fortunate that i have met my godparents. whenever i am at my godparents' house i feel secured. i hope i can sleep forever. my godma was telling me about how $50 was so little now, and i felt so guilty about staying at her house eating lunch and dinner.

i felt the urgency of finding a job stronger than before.

but on the other hand, i cant rush things.

what i can do is to keep sending and sending resumes everyday.

because i still have to give allowance to my parents.

thats my responsibility no matter whether i have found a job or not, i realised.

the invisible pressure suffocates me sometimes.

i hate myself from feeling negative and easily affected. and im so sorry if i made you feel unhappy. i wish you will understand too.

maybe. you don love me as much as before. maybe. you prefer freedom. you know im so afraid to say this because im afraid it will be true if i say it out loud. i don wish to lose you. but i don wish you to lose what you love too.

maybe things will get better once im settled down. when i gt a direction and a stable job.

i wish both of us can be happier.

i was looking through the old pictures of myself, i don know since when i was so conscious about my smile. my smile became default.

i dunno whats the reason for the change and im seriously quite afraid.

i hope to return to the old self. but somehow i dunno how to .